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Dust to dust

Crianza's ashes came home today.

I wasn't there, but Graham said that everyone at the vet's office signed a lovely condolence card, and the woman behind the counter said that Crianza was a very special dog to them, and she was terribly sorry that she died.

Graham put her box on the mantle next to Relampago's and Athena's and Zeus's. It's identical to Relampago's, so to differentiate them, he put her moose on it. That's appropriate, though last night, Celosa picked it up and carried it around the house, squeaking. I don't know if we'll give it to her to play with later on. Probably. As selfish as Crianza was with the moose, I think she'd be ok with it being played with, so long as it was repaired if it got torn.

Part of me is glad that she's home. Part of me sort of thought of her as still at the vet's office, maybe coming home soon. There's a finality of the whole process in getting the ashes.

I've never really thought about what to do with any of the ashes on our fireplace, where their final resting place may be. Claudia spread most of Holden around the ranch, keeping some for herself, and Chispa is in a box on Jose's desk. Graham wants to spread some of Crianza's ashes in Taos, because she loved it so much there. I think, though, that I'd like to hang on to most of them, and then ultimately, have hers and Relampago's and whoever else means that much to me mixed with mine and spread whereever I ultimately end up. I know that where they wanted to be the most wasn't a particular place, but instead, wherever I was.

We still acutely feel her abscence.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to taking her kennel to the attic, and the door has been open, as if she'd recently left to get a drink of water but will soon be back. I can't bring myself to wash the towel and pillow and old skirt that's in there. I put that skirt in when she was a baby, so she had my scent nearby when I was at work and she had to stay crated for a good hunk of the day. She loved her crate, and I'm certain that the skirt and towel and pillow still smells a lot like her.

I found one of her dreadlocks at the ranch on Sunday, and Celosa spent five minutes smelling it when I showed it to her. Of course, that made me cry. Another, I found in the car, and after Celosa inspected that one, I stuck it above the windshield, with one of Relampago's. Yesterday, I found one right outside the back door. I tied it to the lamp next to my bed. Graham put one we found in his wallet. There's another in my purse.

Celosa apparently slept on my head this morning. Graham said it was very cute because I was on my back, and Celosa used my forehead to rest her chin. To my knowledge, Celosa had never slept on my head before. That was a Crianza thing. I guess Crianza has passed on the mantle.



( 3 comments — Say something )
Jan. 19th, 2011 10:20 pm (UTC)
Aww, hon. It sounds like Celosa is trying to comfort you and herself at once. I'm glad your home isn't totally dogless.
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:01 pm (UTC)
And Finding the dreadlocks are messages of "it's ok mom, I'm still here with you, just on the other side."

I have my girls who were on the other side too. There is a company that makes jewels out of cremains that I would love to make for memories of my fur babies: http://www.pet-gems.com/faq.asp

Jan. 25th, 2011 06:36 am (UTC)
Oh sweetie...my love and support are totally with you.

Kaya's ashes should be coming in the next week...
absolutely heartbreaking

( 3 comments — Say something )