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A week

It's been a week since Crianza died.

I'm still in a state of shock over it, but it's amazing what you can get used to given some time. I still look up and think I see her sitting in her chair when I'm at my desk. Two nights ago, I found one of her dreadlocks under a sofa cushion. I can feel where her nails used to dig into the floor by Graham's side of the bed when I make it in the morning. I find myself listening for her when I drive up the driveway. Her pillow still smells like her, and there are Crianza shaped indentations on pretty much every cushion in the house. Graham, too, has rituals and habits that are Crianza-related that are difficult to fall out of. But it's beginning to sink in that she's gone.

Yesterday, I took her collar and Relampago's collars out of their place in my jewelry box and mounted them in a shadow box that Claudia had given me for Christmas. It wasn't her intention for that particular glassed box to be a keepsake for my pet memorial, but it somehow seemed appropriate. A picture of Zeus and Athena is also in the box, and one day I'll get the energy to scan Relampago's baby photo and print it along with Crianza's to complete the homage. The box is hanging next to my bed. I tied the dreadlock that I found next to the one of Relampago's on that's been on my headboard for at least ten years, right above where my head falls when I go to sleep.

Celosa has been an angel. We took her to a new dog park, 13 acres!, on Saturday so she could socialize. And then we took her to my parents' house, some place familiar, so she could play with Zapata. On Sunday, I practically bought PetSmart out of its super-on-sale selection of Christmas rawhide, and I got her a bully stick. She's been wonderful. I think she knows that something has happened, and I think that she misses her sister. She's quiet, and she's taken on a lot of the guarding responsibilities in the household, but she's still Celosa. She's our goofus, who can make us smile no matter what and is as affectionate as any dog I've ever had. She's such a social dog, and we'll get her a puppy eventually. For now, though, we're arranging for play dates with Zapata and frequent trips to the parks.

I'm planning out Crianza's tattoo. I'm pretty sure that she'll get a large, wine-colored firework on my right thigh, underneath Relampago's lightning bolt. It'd been my intention to get the fireworks for years, and I think it'll work for Crianza. Pulis' heads sort of resemble fireworks. Again, I'll try to get some faint smoke to highlight her dreadlocks. I haven't decided if Celosa (whose color is green) will get one too. I mean, she will eventually, but I'm not sure if she'll get one now. I think it'll depend on how weird the firework will look by itself.

I still occasionally find myself crying about her. It was so hard at first, dealing with the shock and the mourning at the same time. As the shock fades, the mourning is still settling in. And I still don't quite know what to say when someone asks me, like my dentist did this morning, "how was your new year?" I generally say, "fine" and move on to other topics, but in my heart, I think "it's been awful."

But I do appreciate distractions. So I've done a bit of reading since Crianza died. And we went out on Friday night to some art openings and a party. And we went to a hockey game with some friends on Sunday. And we invited a friend over for dinner on Monday. And we watched the Cape last night. Tonight is geek night, and we'll go to our friends' house and watch a movie or two with our friends who are so supportive of us.

I'm still hopeful about this year, no matter how much it's sucked so far. I think that good things will happen this year, and ultimately, I'll look upon it with fondness. I do hope, though, that it's the last calendar year that I have to write a pet memorial to an animal I adore. Four in a row is more than enough for me. I could use a break from writing them.


( 3 comments — Say something )
Jan. 13th, 2011 12:18 am (UTC)
The tattoo sounds beautiful. And it is amazing what we can adjust to, I agree. I'm glad you found a dreadlock, and that Celosa is coping.

And I know you probably have a preferred ink artist, but I give 2 thumbs up to Texas Body Art, all their artists are magnificent. *hugs you*
Jan. 13th, 2011 09:37 pm (UTC)
continuing love and hugHUGHUGS and vibes heading out to you. xoxoxo
Jan. 14th, 2011 12:23 am (UTC)
I don't have anything profound to say, but i wanted to let you know I'm here. ((hugs))
( 3 comments — Say something )